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No Man’s

 

 

 

When you walked in on us – where we were – I thought another dog had been killed. . .                I thought you weren’t a dog like everyone else. . .      You were light and we were dark. . . Black almost. . .

I came closer to you – I thought I’d bite you if something went wrong. . .

You didn’t say anything, just thought about dogs in the sky. . .    which run across the sky. . .  the whole flock. . .        and I thought I wouldn’t bite you right away. . .       I’ll bite you later if something goes wrong. . .     .

 

You thought about the dead dog lying in the muddy snow by the roadside. . .     so I decided that I won’t bite you at all. . .

 

 

 

You didn’t say anything again, and I suddenly found myself in a different place. . .        not the same as before. . .        in another completely. . .                           Alone.   

And you started telling me. . .      .

You asked -“. . .    Are you a boy?. . .    ”        I said «Yes».

Then you asked me if I was always a dog or a man. . .       earlier, I mean. . .

So I said I wasn’t a dog before. . .      More accurately, one long life before this I was also a dog. . .     for thirteen years. . .           and some more. . .

And then, when I came back into the dog, I didn’t want to live in it. . .

 

 

After all, it’s bad to be a dog. . .          When you know that you are not a dog at all. . .          You remember that you are not a dog. . .       You don’t remember who you were. . .        Just that you are not a dog. . .      that’s all.

 

 

 

I decided that I would not remain in this body for another lifetime. . .       I thought I was going to jump into the water and drown. . .

In that life, other dogs said that if you want to drown, you just have to stop swimming. . . row, I mean. . .        After all, you’re not a fish to swim and not row. . .

 

 

Only it is difficult to make the body not row – it does it by itself.

And I came up with.

I’ll run until I have no strength left, and then I’ll jump into the water and I won’t be able to row anymore. . .

 

 

. . .     I ran for a very long time. . .       My tongue was dry and obstructed in my mouth. . .           I fell several times – legs stopped running. . .    front. . .

So I fell with my face in the ground . . .        hard and frozen. . .

 

When I realized that I can’t run anymore, I couldn’t jump into the water – I fell off the bank and fell somewhere completely shallow. . .

My legs buckled and I began to choke. . .         Then I swam. . .        it just happened somehow.

 

I swam to a deeper place . . .      wanted on to the middle. . .

My chest felt tight – the water was very cold. . .

 

. . .    Then the hind legs started to cramp and the back went under the water – only the head remained at the top. . .          My front paws were still beating the water, even though I told them not to. . .        To stop it. . .

 

 

 

Water poured into my mouth and I began to choke. . .      Then I just remember that there are no fish in the river – just muddy empty water. . .       and that’s it. . .

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You asked me if I remember being a boy. . .

 

 

 

And then I remembered. . .

 

I recognized this music at once – it was my mother’s idea. . .    the melody of this one. . .

I heard you think it was called Oginsky’s Polonaise. . .

I don’t know who he is – this Oginsky. . .

All I know is that I heard it in my mother’s head. . .       She was also like a dog back then – big, black, and thin. . .       and also one side is torn out completely. . .      .

 

I knew she wasn’t a dog at all, but the Star. . .         In the Sky. . .         And that I am her son. . Only killed a long time ago. . .     In another life. . .        When I was a boy. . .        .

 

 

 

 

I’m three years old. . .      My mother and I live together. . .        and she’s pregnant again. . .     .

 

 

This one came and raped her. . .

He is huge. . .

 

 

 

I wanted to grow up faster and kill him back then.

She hid me when he came. . .          she told me not to get out of there, or he’d kill me. . .

 

 

 

 

He probably didn’t like that my mother had a big belly and started hitting her. . .        in the face, . . .           then when she fell, started kicking her in the belly. . .

I couldn’t. . .      shouldn’t have hidden anymore         so I hit him. . .       from behind. . .

 

He turned around. . .        he grabbed my arm. . .        and threw me against the wall. . .

 

 

I still lived a little. . .         Then everything went black. . .

 

 

                                                                       .

 

 

 

That’s how I became a dog. . .        After the boy. . 

 

 

I also wanted to say that he’s not my father.

Even though my mother got pregnant with me from him. . .

And that she never thought of me as his son. . .        Just a boy. . .     and that’s it.

 

She thought of the girl who was to be born as her own daughter. . .       she wanted the girl to look just like her. . .        There should not be nothing of him.

 

 

Anything else from that life I don’t want to remember.

 

 

There were others. . .        The same. . .       .    They’re all the same. . .

After all, it’s better to be a dog. . .             Although there was often nothing to eat. . .

In winter, sometimes I couldn’t find anything to eat for a week. . .            Hide in the hole, curl up. . .        nose under the paw, so it not to freeze and try to sleep. . .           to make the winter end faster. . .                  

But you can run away when someone wants to kill you. . .        or just bite. . .

 

They’re afraid of us. . .        stray dogs. . .         No man’s.

They think we’ll bite. . .      .       And we just want to eat. . .      so we look at them.                                We think maybe they give us something. . . 

Although it is unlikely. . .             All of them run somewhere. . .       .

 

 

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