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I Didn’t Want

 

 

 

I didn’t want to tell you what I was like. . .

Then I wanted to say something that you can understand. . .           then I wanted to say what next

 

You understood what I’ve become and you didn’t think badly of me and I decided

 

                                                                     ***

 

You saw me – an old woman crouched in the far corner. . .        they think of me as crazy. . .    Yes, it is so. . .             I am not really good at understanding what they want to say to me, most of my brain was burned out. . .        long ago. . .                  when I was still beautiful,    fair-haired and gray-eyed. . .           the first concubine of the High Priest.

 

 

He’s been raping me ever since I was taken to the House. . .       that’s what they call it – the House.

The priest and his concubines live on the second level.

On the ground level – all the servants, overseers and those who give birth. . .    to spoilage. . . – those are children. . .       for food.

That’s what they’re born for. . .          not to live.

 

 

There used to be a lot of people. . .       They lived in houses that every man made for the one who would become his beloved and give birth to children. Not spoilage, as now, children to live.

Then the men were gone, and all the girls were taken to the House. I was taken from my mother when I was one cycle old. That’s three years, for you.

 

 

                                                                     ***

 

A priest is someone who performs the ritual of sacrifice. It’s necessary. So that it doesn’t get worse. Almost everyone was sacrificed. Only those who are in the House are left.

I don’t want to remember what the Priest did. . .                 The High Priest, as he had ordered himself to be called. Two others obeyed him and brought in new victims for him.

 

 

He didn’t hit me hard. . .         so as not to cripple me. . .

He wanted me to give him two children, a boy and a girl.

The boy so that the priest’s soul could live in a new body after death.

That’s what a son from his semen is for. . .   and so that no other semen should be in my womb. . neither before nor after. . .

 

For you, I was a little over eleven when I got pregnant.

The baby was taken from me right after the birth. . .             I haven’t seen much of him. . .              I only remember that he had dark hair.

 

I was not allowed to breastfeed – the Priest was afraid that I might kill his child. . .

And rightly so, I wanted.

 

 

 

Then I had to give birth to a girl – so he could fuck her when I get old. . .

 

And I figured out how to ruin what he wanted. . .              I inseminated by someone else. The one who was guarding me, the guard.

Guards can conceive – they’re supposed to conceive spoilage, so they don’t get their balls cut off.

 

                                                                       ***

 

When the Priest saw my belly, he kicked me for a long time. . .        all over my belly. . .

The girl died in me. . .                 I used to call her Heva.

 

 

 

Then he wanted to know who the child was from. . .         to destroy all his breed.

 

 

It is very painful when the flow from the source of power burns out the brain.

Electrodes were inserted into the skull. . .        drilled to the brain first. . .        then inserted. . .

 

 

When burn out, the Priest listens to thoughts – he is looking for someone I’ll think about. . .

 

I didn’t think about the one who inseminated. . .     I just wanted to ruin everything. . .

They made burning until I went crazy. . .            then I don’t remember.

 

 

Then I lay on ground level in the room for parturient women.

I didn’t die – they gave me a drink.

 

                                                                     ***

 

The guard said I should clean up the shit and piss in the House.           That’s how I became a cleaner. . . 

I must not get up from my knees. . .       or they will kill me. So I crawled cleaning the shit of These.     They purposely piss and shit everywhere. . .           so that I’ll clean up after them.

 

 

 

I didn’t want to take the cocks of young ones These in my mouth – at first they wanted me to  . . .         – so I stayed to clean up the shit until the very end.

 

 

 

 

                                                                     ***

 

I’m on all fours with my head against the wall. . .                        My head hurts very much . . .     I will die soon. . .

 

                                                                     ***

 

Why didn’t I want to die sooner?

I did. . .               But I wanted to destroy the entire breed of L – the Supreme Ruler even more.

His House. . .          and everyone in it.

 

I tried to conjure. . .

My Father didn’t have time to teach me. . .           A Father should teach you how to conjure. . .

So I tried as best I could. . .           when my head didn’t hurt too much. . .

 

 

I must have done something wrong . . .           the Priest heard my thought.

 

 

He wanted to know how I learned to conjure. . .

They drilled more holes in my head. 

Tonight at midnight they will burn. . .            With the power flows. . .

 

 

 

Today is the thirtieth of November.

 

                                                                     ***

 

 

I’ll only remember what I didn’t want to remember. . .

How I eat stillborn spoilage. . .

 

Sometimes parturient women gave me alive ones. . .          so that These don’t get them.

 

 

 

                                                                     ***

 

 

You know the goddess Hecate – thinks about parturient women . . .       corner . . .         stands, does not know to where. . .          tries to conjure. . .           midnight.

 

This is what’s left of me.

It’s not me anymore.

 

 

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